


The Heartbreak Routine

by life_not_knife



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-04-27 00:03:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5025841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/life_not_knife/pseuds/life_not_knife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘One long exhale and a shuddering breath was all it took to break the trance as the ever repeated word left his lips unconsciously.’</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Heartbreak Routine

**Author's Note:**

> This has three parts, they were originally posted as a oneshot, and two sequels. I am just posting them as a three chaptered fic on here instead to make it easier to read.
> 
> This was me, experimenting with a very different style. I hope you like it!
> 
> Xx L xX

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Tan skin glistened under the orangey glow of the low energy bulb. The wooden bed creaked and cracked with the weight of the slim but muscular man. He could see big plush lips that he knew from experience were as soft as silk, but those eyes. They were a deep caramel in colour, and Taemin thought he could get stuck in them. There were golden flecks surrounding the iris that spoke of an eternally burning fire that was singeing his soul from the inside out. The man’s hair was a bubble gum pink, such a large contrast from the fire burning in his eyes. The pink mellowed out the man’s prominent jawline and contrasted perfectly with the bronzed skin. His hair was parted in the middle, long strands falling onto strong eyebrows and lending an innocence to the face, one that should be illegal considering their current activities.

Taemin was in awe, as he always was, as he watched the inferno eyes dull down to a puppy like stare, matched with pouty lips. Oh yes, this man was the epitome of contrasts; of innocence and debauchery; cute and sexy. Taemin was losing himself with every movement the younger boy made above him. Hips swirling, snapping and grinding. The heat building, spiralling in the air and stretching up into the lonely hanging light bulb that flickered every once in a while, or was it Taemin’s vision blanking out now and again? He couldn’t be sure.  
One long exhale and a shuddering breath was all it took to break the trance as the ever repeated word left his lips unconsciously.

“Jongin” the name was spoken, suspended in the air for a moment before melting into the atmosphere as if it was never said. Ironic, Taemin thought; the name can disappear like a ghost just as its owner often does. With that thought, he tightened his grip across the man’s bare, broad shoulders. ‘Don’t leave, don’t leave, not again’ his actions were saying but the desperate clinging was soon thwarted by the overwhelming wave of ecstasy caused by Jongin’s deep, oh god so deep, thrust. Sometimes Taemin hated it. He hated that the man above him could cause so much pleasure and yet completely break him down to the soul. Jongin’s eyes swam with full blown lust and something ever so soft that took the edge off. Taemin’s own were swimming with lust, pleasure, confusion, happiness … hope. The strongest of the emotions in the room was hope. The hope that this almost ethereal being wouldn’t vanish on him again. The hope that Jongin would tell him what was going on, define what they were, cement something in reality because every time, he would feel like this was all just some fucked up dream.

The wooden floorboards groaned under the thin and bald carpet as the two bodies on the rickety bed increased their pace, heading for the finish line. The dust lingered in the air and the oxygen felt stale as Taemin gasped for breath, Jongin’s exhales growing louder and both men creating a symphony of mewls and grunts. Taemin was resisting, he was hanging on for dear life, trying not to tumble over the deadly precipice. If he allowed himself to fall, then Jongin would be gone again. He held off for as long as he could but eventually, Jongin was the on to push him off the fatal cliff and watch as Taemin soared through bliss and satisfaction before tumbling down with a crash.

Taemin blinked and stared at the murky ceiling, he barely registered Jongin’s teeth harshly biting into the soft spot on his neck as he came. The younger boy was fast – too fast, to slip out and dispose of the condom into the small waste bin. Taemin watched as Jongin returned with a lopsided smile, dimples showing themselves on his plump bronze cheeks and suddenly, the once primal and fiery man had turned into a boy. A young and carefree boy, despite his nakedness and toned body, the boyish attitude that radiated from him in that second almost had Taemin fooled.

“You okay?” he spoke. Jongin finally spoke for the first time since their meeting earlier. Taemin mentally kicked himself at how much he loved the sound of the younger’s voice. It was smooth like the caramel of his eyes and deep like the hollows of his collarbones.

“Yeah, why?” Taemin asked, feeling greedy to hear the younger’s voice once more. He wasn’t successful however as Jongin simply shrugged his shoulders before he began searching for his clothes.

“You’re going?” Taemin questioned with one eyebrow raised and the rest of his face stoic.

“Yeah, I have some shit to do” The younger answered nonchalantly as he buckled his belt and began toeing on his shoes. Taemin was still propped up on his elbow in the dim motel room, naked as the day he was born as he watched Jongin approach him one last time.  
“I’ll be in touch. Thanks.” The younger said as he leaned down to place a chaste kiss upon the now frozen elder’s cheek.

The door slammed louder than necessary but Taemin wasn’t sure if it was just louder in his mind. The dusty hallway had bled into the room as the door was opened briefly when Jongin left, and now it danced around in the air, it glittered in the sunlight that streamed through the broken venetian blinds and Taemin was reminded of the golden flecks surrounding dark irises. With a choked sob he drew his knees up close to his chest and buried his head there. He would sit like this until the tears stopped wracking his body. The same old routine that happened every time. He never learned, was always hopeful that one of these times, Jongin would stay.

Sometimes it was a week, sometimes months before he saw Jongin again. He had no idea how to reach the younger boy. Didn’t know what he did for a living, never caught sight of any kind of cell phone. The younger boy would simply show up on his doorstep or outside his work and they would always book a hotel room, the closest one and the cheapest one. Sometimes they would share a bit of small talk on the way, most times they wouldn’t. The eldest boy thought it was unfair that Jongin knew where he lived and worked and yet every time he tried to ask the younger about his job all he received was ‘it’s complicated’ and a look that spoke to never bring it up again.

Once the sobs had died down, Taemin gathered his clothes, not bothering the take a shower in the grimy motel room, and headed home.  
The same routine, the same pattern and yet when Jongin showed up again the next time, he would make the mistakes all over again. He wouldn’t even call them mistakes because seeing Jongin, being close and interacting with the younger boy was worth it in the end. It was even worth the heartache.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-


	2. Stay With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘He can instantly smell the coffee grounds as they permeate the air, swirling in a pungent fashion before drifting into the chattering bustle of the café. Despite the usual atmosphere, something still feels – off.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam Smith's 'Stay with me' started playing in my head like half way through this, hence the title...and the occasional song lyric or feeling. If you haven't listened to that song. I reccomend it for such beautifully heart wrenching feels.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
The weather is strange this morning, Taemin thinks, as he walks down the path to work. There is a chill in the air that wasn’t there the past few days and yet, the sun is still shining, the green leaves still decorate the trees and the birds are still singing their symphonies. He dismisses the chill with a wave of his hand and decides on pulling his short, blue, leather jacket just that little bit tighter around his torso.  
  
When he reaches the small café – his part time job for the past three years – he nods in a general greeting to the two short haired colleagues that also have a shift today. He can instantly smell the coffee grounds as they permeate the air, swirling in a pungent fashion before drifting into the chattering bustle of the café. Despite the usual atmosphere, something still feels – off.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
He has been working his shift for four hours now and as he glances outside for the millionth time that day, he can see that the sky has darkened, holding within it a promise of rain. He runs the damp dishcloth over the empty tables before heading back behind the counter. There is only half an hour of his shift left before the café closes for the evening and he is the only member of staff left to close up.  
The sound of whistling wind reaches his ears as he looks up slightly from the counter to see a pair of beige boots scuffing against the shiny tiled floors. He doesn’t need to raise his head any further and he curses himself for taking so much care in making the black floor shine like an expensive leather shoe, because he can see the reflection of the man in them as he silently walks towards him. His head snaps up as the young man places strong hands and thick fingers onto the wooden counter. A flash of pink is what greets him and Taemin is taken back. It has been two months and yet, the tanned man with broad shoulders and cutting jawline looks exactly the same.  
  
A honey filled voice fills the small proximity between Taemin’s ears and the white walls of the upmarket café.  
  
“Americano please, small.” Jongin mumbles, a smile tugging at his lips, eyes expressing amusement and Taemin does everything in his power not to widen his own expressive orbs.  
  
“Y-yeah” He taps away at the touch screen, the colourful squares all blending together for a second, but it doesn’t matter because his hands are moving on auto-pilot, pressing hot beverage > coffee > Americano and then the price flashes up in front of Jongin’s captivating eyes. A note is slid across the counter and Taemin places it in the drawer without even realising. His fingers gather the coins and as their hands touch briefly as the change is returned, Taemin feels electricity ignite his body. A familiar tendril of emotions wash over him.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
The air has become stale inside the small café. Taemin finds it hard to breathe as he quietly fills the dishwasher for the end of the day and switches it on. Every clack and clink of pottery and glass seems too loud in the empty café. Empty, Taemin thinks, besides the ethereal creature sat on the central table. The floor suddenly looks dull and the high gloss varnish of the tables appear murky and soft. The man with the caramel eyes drinks casually from the coffee stained mug, his plump lips offering Taemin a promise of warm coffee; his pearly white teeth are blinding like his smile every time Taemin meets his gaze. Realising this, he distracts himself with Jongin’s firm and toned legs that are crossed and stretched out beside the table, his posture leaned back in a manner of pretention. His dimples and smile disarm his body’s formal attitude and exude a boyish charm that stretches through the short distance, over the counter and passes through Taemin’s body. Like a ghost, it only lasts a few seconds, just enough for him to feel it. Just enough to leave him wanting.  
  
He adjusts the apron around his hips and tries to avert his eyes once more. He reaches for the mop and begins his final attempt at making the black floor gleam like it did ten minutes ago, before the bronze figure had crossed the threshold.  
  
-o-o-o-o-  
  
The older male is just about finished with the floor, when he hears the deafening sound of porcelain meeting the table’s surface. Jongin has finished his drink and Taemin’s head looks up against his will to meet the younger male’s eyes. Taemin swallows hard as he watches those plump lips morph into a familiar smirk and the long and muscular legs, currently clad in ripped black denim, make their way towards him. Taemin is still hunched over, hands resting on the mop and head raised at an awkward angle as Jongin – now only mere inches away from him – leans down and captures his lips in a bruising kiss. The younger’s lips are silky soft, just like Taemin remembers them but the small bites to his bottom lip add a harshness that has him panting in seconds.  
  
Jongin pulls back and the world comes crashing against the older man’s senses. He can hear the whirring of the dishwasher and the sound of car tyres on the wet asphalt as they pass by in a flurry of rain. He can still smell Jongin’s musky scent which seems to be a mixture of harsh chemicals and sweet coconut. Jongin smells of juxtaposition and Taemin thinks it is pretty fitting. His eyes flutter open from the kiss and the once bright lights of the café now seem a dull yellow at best, but that’s okay, because Jongin’s skin is magnificent beneath them. His tongue runs across his bottom lip and he can taste the metallic tang of his own blood, just a little but it’s there. He can also taste a dampness that now hangs in the air, the world outside slowly seeming to creep in through the gaps in the door, the rain manifesting itself in the ever plummeting oxygen.  
  
Once again, Taemin struggles to breathe and he watches carefully – as though Jongin is a timid mouse that will spook at the smallest movement – as the younger boy retreats back to the table, picks up the stained mug that the elder could have sworn was white but now looked a greyish cream, and walks behind the counter to place it in the sink. This is enough to snap Taemin out of his daze and yank him back to reality as he notices the clock now reads 6:30pm. Time to lock up. Time to leave… but where is he going? That all depends upon Jongin’s next movements.  
  
Taemin walks behind the counter, his shoulder lightly brushing against Jongin’s front as the younger stands there, hands behind him resting on the sink. His elbows are bent slightly, his back hunched a little, his bangs falling forward and his thick lips still holding a light smile. His eyes are glued to Taemin’s behind as he watches him walk through to the back, discarding his apron and grabbing his belongings.  
  
The older boy barely registers himself turning off all the lights, setting the alarm and locking the door and metal shutter. His mind is too focused on the man beside him. He can feel eyes burning through the back of his shoulder blades before he turns around, places the blue leather across his shoulders and deposits his keys into the zip up pockets along with his phone and wallet.  
They stand there for a few moments, side by side under the canopy of the shop, looking out into the rain. Once again, it is Taemin that breaks the silence.  
  
“So, where are we going?” He asks, causal and face neutral. He wants to ask ‘So, where have you been?’ but he knows he has no right to ask such a question. He also knows he will only receive a vague answer in return.  
  
“That depends…” a low voice begins “…do you already have plans?” Jongin asks, hands in his pockets and shoulder lightly bumping against the older man.  
  
Then Taemin suddenly remembers, he did make plans for tonight.  
  
“Actually yeah, I’m supposed to meet a couple of friends for dinner.” He speaks, turning his head to look Jongin in his caramel eyes and he suddenly finds himself suck there, again.  
  
The younger man simply chuckles at this as his jean clad legs move behind Taemin, his broad shoulders press against the back of the older man’s nape as lean, muscular arms wrap around his waist.  
  
“So…you’re just going to leave me here then, huh?” He chuckles again, the sound is deep and Taemin feels it vibrate through their connected limbs. He notices that Jongin is wearing a thin jumper, the arms are a black mesh and Taemin can see the goose bumps as they press against his cool leather jacket.  
  
Finally, Taemin lets out a loud sigh and relaxes completely into the warmth of Jongin’s arms as his right hand reaches into the zippered pocket of his jacket. He brings his phone to his face and admires how the bright screen of his phone illuminates Jongin’s masculine features in a pearlescent glow, he melts a little as he feels silk lips and a soft nose running across the side of his neck. Jongin’s hot breath causes a shiver to cascade down his spine as it contradicts the gradually cooling temperature of the wind. He feels the younger male’s eyes watching as he types out a message to his friend with a slight apology at not being able to make it tonight. The screen then flashes black and the sky above them seems to darken along with it. Just as Taemin is about to put his phone away, he feels it vibrate in his palm. He opens the message to read ‘ _I guess Jongin is back then…whatever, see you another time.’_ And he hastily flicks off the screen. He knows he isn’t fast enough though as he feels those heavenly lips mould into that famous smirk against his neck. He grumbles a little, before pocketing the device once more.  
  
Taemin doesn’t want to move now. If he stays like this, he can continue to live in the illusion that this is some kind of normal relationship. That the man behind him won’t disappear in a few hours and that somewhere, deep down, the small caress of his lips against his nape is spelling out ‘I love you.’  
  
“So, where are we going?” Taemin reluctantly asks as he feels Jongin’s warmth move away but he blushes lightly when the younger male laces their fingers together and begins dragging him through the rain. He watches the tiny droplets as they fall unceremoniously upon Jongin’s head. The cotton candy pink becoming darker and then all thoughts leave his mind as the unrelenting rain sticks the younger’s garments tightly to his skin, muscles and strong plains are exposed to Taemin’s view and he finds himself enjoying the sight more than he should. The wind is whipping at his face, the rain harsh and painful as Jongin pulls him along, faster, running and Taemin feels kind of free like this. He is smiling wide and trying to see through the waterfall of rain that blinds him with each run. He has to depend on Jongin and hope that the younger can somewhat see better than he can, or else they could end up smacking straight into something. Taemin watches Jongin’s boots slapping in the puddles, followed by his own soaked converse following mere seconds later. His heart feels light for once and he can’t control his smile and panting breaths as they suddenly come to a halt.  
  
Taemin looks up, the rain is no longer being whipped into his eyes and he can see where they are. He pauses, eyebrows shooting up and eyes wide like an owl.  
“Why are we here?” Taemin asks after a few moments.  
  
“Do you want to go somewhere else?” Jongin, as always, answers his question with another question. Something Taemin really hates.  
  
“No, it’s just…never mind.” Then the older man walks forward, fumbling in his pocket until he reaches his keys and eventually unlocks the door.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
Taemin’s apartment is…nice. Yeah, that’s what he would describe it as. It is quaint and small, there isn’t much personality added to the rooms except for his bedroom. The colour scheme is simple and modern. Black, red and white. Like the show rooms you find in those large furniture stores. To put it simply, Taemin’s apartment looks much like any other in this neighbourhood.  
  
The temperature is just a little colder than you would expect, although, it was sunny this morning so the older male never even thought to put the heating on. Nor did he expect to be standing in the middle of his living room, two pairs of shoes laying soaked in the hallway and himself and Jongin looking equally as drowned. Taemin notices how Jongin’s eyes lightly take in every inch of his apartment but there is no expression on his face that can tell what he is thinking. Just as the older man is about to ask him if he wants a hot drink or something, he feels two large hands framing the side of his neck. For once, Jongin’s hands are cold against his skin and he shudders at the unwelcomed change. Soon his lips are occupied and a scorching heat in the form of Jongin’s wet muscle is invading his equally warm cavern. Taemin melts, as he always does and soon he is panting, soft moans and harsh breath mingling into the stagnant air of his living room.  
  
Eventually the younger man pulls back and looks around with his head, his eyes looking confused and searching and that’s when he realises that Jongin is wondering where the bedroom is. Taemin leads them both there with his slender and gentle hands placed upon Jongin’s shoulders from behind. He reaches around the younger’s hip to turn the door knob before a comforting smell hits his nose. The smell of home, of himself and of safety. It is surreal, to have Jongin in a room, a place, that was just so significant to him. A place that speaks of warmth and security, of all the opposite things that Jongin stands for.  
  
Soon, Taemin feels his wet and sodden clothes being peeled from his body. Lips touching every inch of skin they can find and he mewls in the softness Jongin is showing him. It always starts like this and it makes Taemin’s heart ache as equally each time. Jongin is all soft touches and sweet kisses as he lays Taemin down onto the neatly made covers of the bed. Just the way Taemin’s mother has always taught him to make it. He wonders for a second, if Jongin is the type to make his bed every morning when he wakes, he gets the feeling he isn’t. He feels that the younger man is probably the – get back in it, the way you got out – kind of guy. He vaguely registers the slap of Jongin’s wet clothes hitting his plush white carpet as he realises that he will probably never know what kind of person Jongin really is. Then the mattress is dipping, the added and unfamiliar weight causing the springs to squeak in a manner of protest as a naked and firm man straddles him across the waist. Lips meet and crash. Taemin is only slightly jarred by the feeling of soft and familiar sheets beneath him as Jongin pushes in with that familiar burn.  
  
Taemin is greatful that Jongin is always prepared because he doesn’t have any condoms in his room. It was never a place he thought the younger would be fucking him in a million years. He gasps as the younger hits that bundle inside of him for the first time tonight. He can hear the rain splattering against his bedroom window and he moves his face towards it as Jongin bites him harshly on the neck.  
  
“Jongin” he gasps, the name once again dissolving into the sticky air of the room. His lips mime the words silently as he feels his knees being raised over strong shoulders and – oh! That’s new, and god… it is so so good. He feels Jongin deeper than he has ever felt him before and the trembles of pleasure leave tingles up and down his spine. His eyes blur out for a second and he tries to focus on a point in the room to keep himself grounded. Although every time he takes in the features of his bedroom that he knows so well, it all seems to pale in comparison to the man above him. The ceiling has become a greyish colour, his plush carpet looks old and worn. The books on his shelf seem tattered and dull and the photographs lining the top shelf are dusty and irrelevant because not one of them holds a photograph of Jongin. Hell, he is convinced that a photograph of the younger wouldn’t do him justice anyway.  
  
Soon enough, his gaze is locking with the man above him. Jongin’s face is flushed with sweat. His hair still wet and Taemin thinks that the younger boy looks amazing like this, he looks youthful and fuck – his thoughts are cut off by a strong thrust and the sight of fiery flecks meeting with his own blown pupils. He grips Jongin’s shoulders with his lithe hands, raking his nails down the younger’s deltoids and throwing his head back in ecstasy.  
  
“Jongin, Jongin, Jongin” Taemin moans out in a mantra; the name filling in all the spaces in the room and in his heart. He shouldn’t let them in, but he does.  
  
“Shit” Jongin speaks and that is a rare occurrence too because normally the only things Jongin says during sex are grunts and pants.  
  
“Taemin, look at me.” Jongin demands, his tone serious and when their eyes meet once more, Jongin smirks before he begins to unceremoniously slam into the older man. Over and over, the coil in their stomachs tightening, and then Taemin is literally screaming as he comes, the white behind his eyes momentarily blinding him, and that makes him angry, because then he doesn’t see the younger’s face as he also climaxes. A warmth is filling up Taemin’s insides, making the clear latex expand as it becomes cloudy.  
  
Cloudy, everything is cloudy for a while as their breathing evens out, Taemin is sated on the bed spread, the colours looking faded and worn as he looks down at Jongin’s glistening skin beneath his own pale hands. He notices the red welts from fingernails down the back of the younger’s shoulders, he smiles lightly because he feels like he has marked Jongin as his own for once. His thoughts are quickly broken though as he feels the warmth between his legs disappear and watches as the younger man ties off the condom with an air of familiarity and competence. There it is, like a broken record, like the cycle of the dishwasher in the café, like the changes of the weather outside as Taemin now notices only a light drizzle. The routine is still there. Jongin is still reaching to the ground for his sodden jeans, back turned to Taemin on the bed and slowly and painfully, his heart begins to break again.  
  
“You’re leaving?” He asks, the same question as always, only the tone this time is much more unstable and his eyes are pleading – if only Jongin would look at him to notice.  
  
“Yeah, I have some stuff to take care of.” The younger announces and Taemin doesn’t miss the tell tale shiver that goes down Jongin’s spine as he pulls on the wet and cold jeans, the feeling no doubt scratching his hot and sensitive skin as he foregoes his underwear completely. The routine is the same as before and Taemin was a fool to think that this was any different. Yet, something in him keeps telling him it was different than all the times before. The way Jongin demanded Taemin’s gaze during their most intimate moment. The way that they are here, in Taemin’s room and not some musty hotel room. Still, he thinks, what difference does that make? He still doesn’t know Jongin any more than he did before and he doesn’t know when he will be back again.  
  
The younger finishes covering his muscled abdomen with his slightly drier but still damp jumper before coming towards the bed and peppering Taemin’s lips with the usual light peck.  
  
“I’ll be in touch, thanks” The words, this time spoken by both men in tandem makes Jongin pull back. His eyebrows are raised as he looks at Taemin with shock. The older man isn’t sure why Jongin is so shocked, after all, he has said those exact same words after each and every meeting they’ve had. It’s the younger boy’s signature goodbye and the way Taemin mumbles it along with him, eyes downcast and pout upon his lips, expresses how much he hates it. Jongin doesn’t say anything though, he just turns around and heads for the bedroom door.  
  
“So that’s it? You’re just going to vanish again?” Taemin says quietly, his voice stern but full of hurt. Jongin’s steps falter. The floorboards beneath the carpet squeaking along with him at Taemin’s abrupt question. Jongin sighs and turns around. One hand still on the brass knob, the metal is cool in his hand, in a soothing way – but this isn’t the time for feeing soothed.  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jongin’s voice is levelled and strong. The words sounding deep and hollow just like the hole in Taemin’s chest.  
  
“Stop answering my questions with another question. It means exactly that. Can’t you stay? Just this once?” Taemin answers, beginning confident and ending in a small and pleading voice.  
  
“I can’t, I have stuff to do. I told you this already.” Jongin sighs, face pulling into a frown and it’s the first time he has ever seen such an expression on the younger’s face. It makes him look older, much more mature beyond his years. Taemin chuckles a little to himself because it’s not normal. Not normal to have mapped out every inch of Jongin’s caramel skin, to have felt everything the young man has given him and yet, he has never seen him frown, or cry or be angry. It’s not normal, and beyond that, it’s not fair.  
  
“Right, of course. Then do me a favour Jongin. Just say goodbye. Don’t say you’ll be in touch. Say goodbye.” Taemin raises his voice, loud and stern. His own face manifesting itself in a frown.  
  
“W-what?” Jongin stutters, something else he has never heard before. “I don’t want to say goodbye. Don’t you want to see me again?” He continues, those eyes softening to the puppy dog gaze he has seen a few times before. The fire and intensity instantly fizzling out.  
  
“Yes, I do want to see you again. That’s the point. I want you to stay. Stay with me, don’t vanish again, please.” Taemin is begging now, still naked and vulnerable under the covers and his eyes swimming with unshed tears.  
  
“I-I can’t, I have to go… you don’t understand…” Jongin begins but is cut off by a loud voice.  
  
“THEN GO! Say GOODBYE Jongin! It’s YOU who doesn’t understand. YOU who walks away. It’s ME who ends up hurt, wondering when you’re coming back, IF you’re coming back.” Taemin is now crying, tears tracking down his cheeks and Jongin is looking at him with recognition in his eyes. Like he has just realised something.  
  
“Taemin…is this because you… I mean. Do you??? Y’know?” Jongin asks, scratching behind his head and moving over to sit on the bed. The faded colours becoming darker and darker as the stale and cold water permeates through the bedsheets, making them wet and cold. Taemin can feel the ice cold water nipping at his naked thighs as it soaks through to his skin.  
  
“Yes, Jongin. I…I love you, please… stay with me.” Taemin speaks, eyes locked on the soft caramel orbs before him. He grasps the large, warm, tan hand between his own slim and pale ones. Hope. Taemin is finally radiating that hope. Relaying it in his gaze, the warmth of his hand and the beating of his heart.  
  
They stay like that, frozen in time. The damp smell is fresh once more in the air, the oxygen in the room becoming moist and cold. Jongin’s pink hair is beginning to dry at the tips, the ends frizzing and significantly paler in colour than the dark, dark roots. Suddenly, Taemin feels his hands moving. Oh, Jongin’s hand is the one moving, escaping the prison created by the two lithe, pale cages. The older male moves his eyes from their now separated hands back to Jongin’s eyes, where he sees those ever present circles of fire and those sticky caramel irises staring back at him.  
  
“Then, I guess…” Jongin begins and Taemin feels the older boy stand up slightly before bending forward to capture Taemin’s cold and chapped lips with his own silk pillows. It’s chaste and longing, and Taemin realises why in the next second “...goodbye, Taemin.” It was a goodbye kiss.  
  
Then he breaks. A choked sob leaves his throat and he can’t even bring himself to wait until Jongin has left this time. What’s the point anyway, it’s not as if he will see him ever again and with that thought he descends into further cries and wails. His entire body shakes, he hears the door to his bedroom and to his flat closing softly this time but it isn’t of any comfort to him. There is a shiver blooming all over his body, causing him to tremble uncontrollably as his eyes produce more and more saline liquid. His eyes burn as he gazes at the pitch black before him, his head beneath the blanket and it should help to calm him down. It doesn’t, the still present wet patch continues to haunt him and remind him of what he just lost and he breaks down for the umpteenth time.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
“Why won’t you stay with me?” Taemin is mumbling to himself in the early hours of the morning. His tears dried up, his heart aching and constricting at every turn. His eyes are tight and puffy and his gaze is staring at something on the plush carpet. The light is still on, seemingly brighter than necessary and the room is nice and warm after the heating finally kicked in. The carpet gleams a beautiful white and there, next to his still damp clothes are Jongin’s black boxers. The only trace left of the younger man.  
  
Taemin laughs bitterly at his thoughts because all he finds himself thinking, is that he wishes Jongin’s boxers were pink like his hair. The cotton candy pink hair still stained in an image behind his eyelids whenever he closes them. The caramel skin against it taunting him.  
  
Outside he hears the birds chirping, singing their morning melody. The sun is beginning to rise and the tree outside his window is still lined with evergreen leaves, protected from the harsh weather. A few stray leaves fall to the ground, the footsteps of people below no doubt trampling them into the beige path. Still, Taemin thinks, the tree still looks beautiful because its leaves are evergreen, they have a routine. They fall and with each one that departs, another begins to sprout in its place. Just as beautiful, just as green and just as perfect.  
Not like Jongin, there is only one Kim Jongin.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the ending, I was totally trying for a happy ending here, it just wouldn’t come. Ahhhh *hides* feel free to throw rocks at me.  
> On another note, comments are always welcomed. Let me know your thoughts. :P


	3. If You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What?? W-where is he?” Taemin’s eyes are wide in fright, his face a deathly ivory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is, the third and final part in the ‘heartbreak’ series… or so I’m deciding to call it lol. The title is taken from Big Bang’s song of the same name because the lyrics creepily fit this fic. I hope this lives up to people’s expectations since there were a lot of readers really wanting this third and final part haha. So uhmm… I won’t spoil anything. Enjoy!

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
It’s currently 5:10am and Taemin blearily stands up as the sound of ringing continues to permeate through the small apartment. Why is his house phone ringing? Only his mother and grandmother call him on the ancient device.  
His feet are cold against the wooden floor of the kitchen and he skirts his hand around the rough wallpaper in the darkness of the hallway before he finally reaches the phone.  
  
“Hello?” Taemin speaks, voice cracked and groggy.  
“Yes this is he” his face morphs into something resembling relatively awake now, as he listens intently to the woman’s voice on the other line.  
“What?? W-where is he?” Taemin’s eyes are wide in fright, his face a deathly ivory.  
“Y-yes I understand, thank you for calling me. I’m on my way.” He doesn’t wait for the polite ending before he throws on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. He grabs his keys and wallet, and is out of the door in under three minutes.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
He has been driving for around five minutes and he is grateful that the traffic is practically non-existent at this time in the morning. Once again he can hear the sounds of the birds filtering in through his wound down window. They are starting their day and the sun is already mid-way up in the sky. His tyres are screeching on the black asphalt as he turns another sharp corner of another housing estate. He drums his fingers against his steering wheel, much like he normally does when a catchy tune comes on the radio during his drive to work – only this time, the radio is mute and he is tapping in impatience; his nerves manifesting themselves through his soft, pale hands.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
When he finally pulls into the carpark and has to follow the tedious instructions for the pay and display meter he grumbles, fingers shaking as he fishes out the coins from his dashboard. He runs then, full pelt across the carpark which is far too full for almost 6am. He brings himself to a brisk walk when he enters the building, his eyes scanning the various boards and signs for the department he heard over the phone.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
‘Accident and Emergency’ the sign above the oval shaped counter reads in royal blue lettering when Taemin finally traces the maze that are the many corridors.  
  
“Hi, I’m looking for Mr Lee Hyun Moo, he was admitted about an hour ago.” Taemin asks, trying to stay calm and collected because making a scene wouldn’t help anyone.  
  
“One minute please” the nurse behind the desk announces as she makes a few phone calls and clicks on her computer. “Are you Lee Taemin?” she asks whilst talking to another department on the phone.  
  
“Yes” is the simple answer and he is becoming impatient and worried with every second that ticks by on the loud clock above their heads.  
  
“Okay, down the hall on your left, you will find Dr Shin’s room, he would like to talk with you and then he will take you to your father.” She smiles softly but it does nothing to calm Taemin’s beating heart.  
  
The pale green floor shines like tacky varnish on a hot summer’s day. It almost feels as though it really is sticky beneath his feet because with every step he takes, the dread becomes heavier and suddenly he doesn’t want to make it to the door labelled ‘Dr Shin’ anymore.   
With a cautious knock, the door is opened and the doctor invites him to take a seat.  
  
“Mr Lee, how are you feeling?” he asks and Taemin feels like screaming ‘how do you think I’m feeling?’ but he thinks against it and simply speaks what is on his mind.  
  
“Is my father okay??” he asks, swallowing the lump in his throat and the tears that are threatening to spill.  
  
“His condition is stable right now, but we are monitoring him constantly. Rest assured he is in the best hands possible. Heart attacks can last a long time but with some medication, they are manageable.” Dr Shin speaks slowly and reserved.  
  
“Can I see him?” Taemin asks, he doesn’t care about the details, he just wants to see his father.  
  
“Yes, you can. I just wanted to warn you of his condition first, as to not shock you. He is hooked up to a number of machines, there are a lot of tubes and he looks a little swollen and whitish. We may also have to discuss the possibility of surgery with you at a later date, but for now, he is doing well – considering.” The doctor supplies and he pats Taemin’s shoulder in a gesture of comfort.  
  
Taemin doesn’t respond he only nods his head from his place in the faded pink chair. The doctor suddenly stands.  
  
“You can follow me to the cardiology department to see him if you like?” Dr Shin asks and Taemin stands to follow.  
  
The squeak of shoes on the shiny floor is all he can hear. The occasional sound of wheels bounces off the walls as he sees another patient being wheeled through on a bed. He doesn’t want to look, he feels as though he is intruding on something. The air smells sterile and old. An odd mix of smells and he hates it. He hates how the lights are so bright and how the colour scheme is all pastels and whites. The thing he hates the most though, is the look of his father hooked up like a machine. His skin is grey like his hair and it takes everything inside of him to hold back the sob that threatens to wrack his body.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
Eventually, his father wakes up and he is smiling which eases Taemin’s heart a little. He has called his mother and she is on the way. Despite them being separated for a long time now, he knows his mother still cares deeply for his father and to be honest, Taemin can’t quite handle this alone.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
“Go home and get some sleep sweetie. I can stay with him for a while.” Taemin’s mother speaks, the same sentence she has been saying for the past day already.  
  
“I’m fine mother, I want to stay.” He spits back. He doesn’t mean to snap at her, but they have had this conversation three times already. Once Taemin sees the hurt look on his mother’s face he instantly apologises.  
  
“When was the last time you ate?” She asks with concern.  
  
“I don’t know… I had a bar of chocolate a while ago. I’m fine.” Taemin shrugs.  
  
“Go! Go to the café down there” she gestures down the corridor that leads away from his father’s private room. “Get something proper to eat. I will be here with him if he wakes up and he will still be here when you get back.” She says sternly and this time Taemin doesn’t argue, because he knows it will be useless and she will get her way eventually.  
  
With a sigh, he kisses his father’s forehead before asking his mother if she wants anything bringing back. When she says no, he leaves in search of the hospital cafeteria.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
The smell of food hits his nostrils upon entering the fairly busy cafeteria, his stomach suddenly comes alive. He really is hungry but his appetite has been put to the back of his mind lately. Right now though, he feels ravenous.   
He mulls over the options available; cold sandwiches, soup, pastries, chips, rice, curry, kimbap, pasta, noodles. Each item is labelled in the annoying font of Comic Sans and priced accordingly beneath it.  
  
He soon settles on beef noodles and a warm bowl of seaweed soup. The beige tray clatters as he places it upon the table and he grumbles at how expensive the food is. Some of his soup spills on the table top and he has to mop it up with his only napkin. ‘Great, just great’ he thinks.  
  
-o-o-o-o-  
  
About half way through his noodles, he glances up from his phone where he was playing a game and the air feels different. He can smell something damp and stale and he quickly sniffs his clothes and hair to check it isn’t himself. His eyes scan the few tables in front of him but he gives up his search. The lights seemed to have dimmed and he glances out of the large windows and wonders if maybe rain is coming. The beige of his tray looks almost grey on the table top and he can distinctly hear the hum of the vending machine just to his left. He soon dismisses the subtle changes and returns to his game.  
  
It happens again, he smells it waft through the air as he hears movement from behind him. Something makes him turn his head to inspect where the smell was coming from and he almost chokes around his mouthful of noodles.  
  
He can see the side profile of a boy and it’s not the mere sight of this boy that makes him choke but the colour of his caramel skin and a set of familiar eyes.   
  
“Jongin” he whispers to himself.  
Something doesn’t make sense though, because the man behind him has a head of black hair, not bubble gum pink. He is also wearing a hospital gown as he tucks into his meal.  
“No… it can’t be” he whispers again.  
  
Just then, the boy turns his head and is smiling at his companion seated opposite him – A lanky boy with blonde hair, also wearing a hospital gown and pyjama bottoms – that smile. The same smile Taemin could recognise with only ten percent of his vision.   
  
The boy’s head turns a bit further as he notices somebody watching him and in a split second, Taemin whips his head back around to face his food once more.   
He hears the two people behind him chuckle about something and it’s too hard. It’s too hard to hear Jongin’s beautiful laugh, the fact that he can chuckle like that when his own life is falling apart around him. He stands up, leaving his half eaten food behind and walks out without looking back.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
The rest of his week is occupied with nursing his father back to health. Or the best he can anyway. He brings him food and adjusts his pillows and blankets. He helps him to the showers. He tries to keep busy, because when he stops, he thinks about Jongin. He wonders why he is in the hospital. He wonders who his friend is. He feels his chest constrict at the hurt that still lies beneath.  
  
He has taken to going to a different cafeteria that is a good ten minute walk away from the other – much closer – one where he saw Jongin. But it’s okay because he hasn’t seen the dark locks and caramel skin around since. He tells himself he doesn’t miss the burning embers of his irises. He doesn’t miss the way that everything in the room becomes duller and less magnificent in the other’s presence. He doesn’t miss the smell of the coconut shampoo and the musky smell of sweat. No, not at all. He doesn’t miss Jongin.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
Everything finally comes to a head a few days later. His mother insists that they go and get food together while his father is in the operating theatre. He can’t refuse because this is his mother’s way of trying not to worry and stress out. She needs company, a companion, a distraction and Taemin obliges. That is, until she begins walking in the direction of a certain cafeteria.  
  
“I don’t want to go to that one, the other one is better” Taemin mutters but she isn’t having any of it.  
  
“Just hurry up” she says gently with the patience of an angel, especially since Taemin is currently acting like a petulant child.  
  
He spends the majority of their meal looking around in paranoia and he tells himself it is stupid because Jongin has most likely been discharged by now anyway. His muscles are tense and his mother’s words float through the air and out of the window – he has no idea what she is saying. He nods noncommittedly every now and again which seems to suffice.   
  
Eventually they finish and are heading back to the surgery waiting room. They both know that his father’s surgery is four hours long. Taemin chances a look at the clock on the nearest wall and notes that they still have three painstaking hours to wait.   
  
They continue walking, his mother is three steps ahead of him each time and he finds his feet matching her rhythm out of sheer boredom. The tension leaves Taemin’s body as he is now sure that Jongin is nowhere to be found. He also feels a slight pang of disappointment but he buries that deep deep down.  
  
It isn’t until they are passing the pastel brown theatre doors, that a bed suddenly bursts through and they both have to stop to let it past. There are two porters pushing it whilst mumbling things that Taemin doesn’t understand. Despite his rule not to look, he finds his eyes glancing over the body anyway. Then he feels it. His knees threatening to buckle, mouth hanging open. That was Jongin, plain as day, and what he hoped was just the younger boy sleeping.  
  
He watched with rapt attention as the bed was wheeled to the end of the corridor and into the room on the right.  
  
“Tae? You coming? What’s wrong?” His mother spoke, snapping him abruptly out of his trance.  
  
“Nothing, I’m coming” he spoke back as he turned on his heel and trudged after her.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
It is two days later, the dead of night. Taemin’s mother is sleeping soundly beside his father’s bed. He can’t sleep. Every time he closes his eyes he is either plagued about dreams of something terrible happening to his father or he will see  _him._  Fiery orbs, pink hair, caramel skin. Jongin. Jongin. Jongin. It plagues his mind.  
  
Sighing in defeat he decides to go and get some fresh air. The light in the corridor flickers ominously above his head and Taemin is creeped out. Just the thought that every room you enter, every inch of flooring is a place where someone has died – he hates hospitals for that very reason and in the dead of night, it is never more apparent.  
  
He searches for the main entrance. He should know the way like the back of his hand by now, but he hasn’t slept in over 13 hours. Instead, he stumbles upon a small courtyard. He can see a petite bench, trees, grass and a pond. It seems like a relaxing place and so he changes his destination.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
Standing in the middle of the courtyard, he stretches his limbs and rolls his shoulders. He can hear as his bones pop and crack from lack of proper sleep. He has visited his apartment only a handful of times in the past couple of weeks and the disruption to his usual routine is taking its toll.   
  
He takes in the orange of the fish in the pond, and how they glisten under the light of the moon and an artificial lamppost, most likely placed there by the hospital. The grass is lush and green for this time of year and the trees are half bare, the rest of their leaves littering the mint green with specks of yellow and burnt umber. Autumn, Taemin thinks, it used to be his favourite season. Now all it does is remind him of the warm colours in Jongin’s eyes and the pain in his chest.  
  
“So… I’m not imagining things” Taemin hears a voice that makes his muscles jump from his spot next to the tree. He can hear a faint chuckle, low and deep and rumbling. He  
doesn’t need to turn around to know who is standing behind him. He almost doesn’t want to, in fear that the illusion will shatter and the boy will disappear.   
  
It turns out that he doesn’t need to turn around anyway, because soon his eyes meet the all too familiar pattern of the hospital gown; usually bright white in colour with small blue dots, however, on Jongin the fabric looks faded and worn. The colour is a murky cream and his sweatpants beneath the thin fabric are black as the night.  
  
“What are you doing here?” Taemin asks, eyes wide and finally lifting to look into those hazel orbs that used to shine like the sun. Tonight though, they look worn and tired and something in Taemin’s chest constricts tightly.  
  
“I should be asking you the same thing. Why are you in my courtyard in the middle of the night?” Jongin simply replies, small smile playing on his lips and Taemin thinks he sees a flicker of vulnerability in the usually confident male.  
  
“Your courtyard?” The older boy questions lightly.  
A deep chuckle is heard again and this time Jongin is grinning.   
  
“Well, it’s not mine, but it might as well be since I spend most nights here alone. I was surprised to see another person here tonight.” He finishes.  
Taemin is struck because he has a million questions and he isn’t sure where to start or to even start at all, after all, Jongin walked away from him.  
  
“Judging by your normal clothes, I’m guessing you’re not here for yourself?” Jongin asks timidly, almost afraid of the question he just spoke.  
  
“My father is sick.” Taemin replies, voice too casual for such a topic. Voice too reserved for speaking to Jongin.  
  
“Oh, I’m so sorry. Is he going to be okay?” Jongin asks and his voice is laced with genuine concern.  
  
“Yeah, he had a heart attack then needed surgery but the doctors said he will make a full recovery, it will just take time.” The older boy answers with a sad smile. His eyes are shining with a question but his tongue can’t bring himself to ask.  
  
Jongin then moves to sit down on the bench beside the pond. His posture is hunched over; head bowed and hair falling like a curtain over his eyes and it reminds Taemin of the time at the coffee shop. The wood is splintered and stained, it creaks beneath the younger boy’s weight. Hesitantly, Taemin joins him, sitting upright with a large gap between them.  
  
“So, you’re working out… how to ask me why I’m here… right?” Jongin sighs, lifting his head to reveal playful orbs and side eyes the other boy with a knowing smile.  
  
“What happened?” Taemin offers meekly as a response.  
  
“Cancer” Jongin speaks softly. The word rises at a steep incline before bouncing straight into Taemin’s soul, it wraps around his entire body, squeezing him like a boa constrictor.  
  
The stale and stagnant air doesn’t make its way into Taemin’s lungs for a nanosecond and then the older boy’s body is trembling. One word, can shatter two people into a billion pieces. The silence that punctuates the air is a long one. It hangs above them like a dark cloud before a storm. It reaches out its lightening fingers and finally shocks Taemin back to reality.  
  
“H-how long? When?” Taemin croaks, his lungs already feeling burnt like blackened charcoal.  
  
“About 2 years now” Jongin whispers, afraid to shatter something but he isn’t sure what.  
  
“W-why didn’t you tell me?” Taemin asks.  
  
“It’s not something I just like to broadcast around okay?” Jongin answers defensively and that shocks Taemin. The silence begins to creep back between them before Jongin sighs. “Sorry….It’s just, when people find out. They treat me differently. With you, I could just be me. The Jongin without cancer. The real me.” He sighs again and kicks a pebble into the pond. The water ripples in small circles, expanding out to the edge of the water. When the ripples fade out, Taemin lets out his thoughts.  
  
“I don’t know the real you. I know your body, your smell, your smile and the look you give me when we – you know. But I don’t know you. I have no idea what your favourite food is, or your favourite colour. I don’t know where you live or how you grew up. Don’t you see how frustrating that is for me? To fall in love with someone I feel like I don’t even know.” Taemin sighs, bringing his hands down to his lap and staring at them to will away the tears.  
  
“Chicken, Pink, 233 Saechang-ro” Jongin whispers.  
  
“What?” Taemin asks, puzzled.  
  
“My favourite food is chicken. My favourite colour is pink and I live at 233 Saechang-ro, Dowon-dong.” Jongin smiles and moves closer across the bench so that there is only a small space separating their thighs.  
  
They sit there for a while, staring ahead, watching the leaves blow in the wind. Taemin envies them, they might be dying but they are so carefree, following the wind faithfully as if they will reach their destination in sheer happiness.  
  
“Why would you never stay over?” Taemin asks quietly as he looks up into Jongin’s eyes that are now closer and searching.  
  
“I had loads of meds to take and I didn’t want to answer why I have to take so much medication.” Jongin answers guiltily. His eyes dimming and his chin lowering towards the mint green grass.  
  
“Then why did you disappear for weeks/months at a time?” He asks, still not forgiving the younger boy for not telling him, but taking his hand in his own none the less.  
  
“I was here. Treatment takes a while and sometimes I’m not well enough to go home for a long time after.” He answers honestly, clutching desperately at Taemin’s hands.  
‘Don’t leave me’ Jongin’s fingers seem to speak. ‘Please don’t go’ is etched into the strong grip and the vulnerability of his eyes.  
  
“Then…why, why did we only ever have… a physical relationship. Why did we never just…date?” Taemin asks, he is trembling now, both from the close proximity of Jongin and the emotions that are building up within him.  
  
“I was afraid that if we dated, you would start liking me, and then, fall in love with me. I couldn’t do that to you.” Jongin chuckles bitterly “Turns out it happened that way anyway. So, I left.” He smiles agonisingly, the pain of leaving that night is clearly engraved into the fine lines of his face as he grimaces at the memory.  
  
“Is loving you really that bad?” Taemin mumbles out, their noses almost touching at the new proximity.  
  
“How could I let you fall in love with me, and then tell you that I was sick? That I might never recover from this illness. That the doctors say the probability of death is higher…” Jongin trails off with a choked sound.  
  
Taemin is staring now, dead into Jongin’s eyes and into the depths of his soul. Jongin feels naked under his gaze, he wants to cover himself and build up that wall again, but this is the least that he owes the older boy.  
  
“So, what happens now?” Taemin asks quietly, as if not to spook the younger male.  
  
In the sweep of a second Jongin is closing the gap between them and their lips are finally touching.  
After all this time, after all this heartbreak. Taemin missed this. He missed the burning of his eyes, the bronze of his skin and the baritone of his voice.  
He missed the plush feel of Jongin’s lips upon his own. He can feel the warmth emitting from the younger man’s skin beneath his palms. Jongin is always warm, hot, scorching – leaving marks all over Taemin’s skin with only the trace of his padded fingertips. Searing trails of fire following like Jongin is the puppet master, the master of Taemin’s body and the older man no longer cares. He submits everything to the other male. Tongues are wrestling and firm hands are gripping each other before Jongin pulls back panting.  
  
“Sorry…I just…I missed you.” Jongin smiles lightly with a blush on his cheeks.  
  
“It’s okay, I missed you too. I want to get to know you Jongin. Every inch of you not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. Can you let me do that?” Taemin asks slowly, hope brimming in his eyes.  
  
“Yes” one word. Just one word that manages to stretch out; wrap around the entire mini garden. The sky is lighter now, a hazy midnight blue. The fish flip and flop their tails, making small droplets appear on the wooden edge. There is a slight chill to the air and as it blows, it reminds Taemin that Jongin is still very much in a thin hospital gown.  
“We should get inside, it’s getting cooler.” Taemin suggests and Jongin nods, but not before standing and taking Taemin’s hand in his own. Pressing one last, breath-taking kiss, against Taemin’s pliant and willing lips.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
Taemin surveys the walls of the hospital ward, they are a murky light blue and the paint is chipping in places. He has always hated hospitals, doctor’s surgeries and dentists. He hates the clinical feeling. He hates feeling just like another statistic on the manila folders. Right now, he hates that Jongin is trapped in here.   
  
Despite his hatred however, as his red hi-tops squeak across the pale pink floor and he pulls back the familiar paisley curtain, he finds his face smiling. The man before him seems to light up the entire room, beyond the now closed curtain, beyond his friend in the adjacent bed; he lights up Taemin’s entire life. Just seeing that smile, the softness in his eyes radiates deep into the older boy’s soul and Taemin finds himself flying high.  
  
“How have you been today? Any news?” Taemin asks hopefully as he does every day. It is late afternoon and his shift at the shop has finally finished.  
  
“I’ve been good today. So much better than yesterday, and I did get some news…” Jongin shoots him a cheeky grin that Taemin thinks is far too innocent for the man before him.  
  
“…the doctors say I can leave tonight if the final blood results come back okay.” He finishes and Taemin doesn’t say a word. He simply walks forward, bends over the edge of the plastic looking hospital bed and places a long and languid kiss to Jongin’s plush lips. “What was that for?” Jongin asks, breathless when they finally pull apart.  
  
“I’m just warming up for later” Taemin responds, eyebrow raised and he is feeling brave today. The tension between the two of them has been building for the last couple of weeks, since that day in the courtyard. Jongin has his up and down days but whines nearly every day that he doesn’t need to be in the hospital any longer, that he is fine. They both know that what he really wants is privacy, and Taemin. Beneath him, whimpering, writhing and begging for ‘more Jongin more.’  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
It’s dark when they reach the tall building, turning off the engine to Taemin’s car and shuffling towards the entrance. It’s grand, Taemin notices. The handles are gold, there is a cover of sleek black and shining white as they approach the reception desk. “Welcome back Mr Kim, how long will you be home for this time?” the lady behind the desk asks with a familiar tone. Taemin glances at her white blouse and the golden name tag pinned on the woman’s upper left hand side. ‘Sooyoung’ it reads and Taemin thinks the name suits her, it’s smart but friendly and her smile is one of professional reassurance.   
  
“I will be home for a while, thank you. I expect everything has been fine whilst I was away?” Jongin speaks, formal and friendly, like it isn’t odd to be saying any of this at all.  
  
“Of course sir, everything is fine, just how you left it. Though you did receive a package which I took the liberty of saving in the back for you. Would you like it now?” She asks and stands as if already guessing the response.  
  
“Yes please” Jongin nods at her as she moves towards the back room behind the glass reception desk.  
  
“Uhmm Jongin? What’s going on?” Taemin asks as he continues to stare around the lobby. He notices that the lifts in this building are frequent in number. The roof is mirrored and sleek just like the rest of the ornate features he distinguishes. There is a grand sitting area in the far corner that is lined with magazines. There are three generous white leather sofas and a glass table in the centre. The chandelier above glints as the light passes through the crystals and diamonds, filling the entire area with an expensive glow.  
  
“I told the reception that I was away on business for a while. That way I know security will make sure my apartment is watched carefully and not broken into or anything.” Jongin explains and he is smiling a little at the awe on Taemin’s face.  
  
“Here you go Mr Kim, please sign here.” Sooyoung returns before Taemin can comment back.  
With deft fingers and a quick flick of the wrist, Jongin is taking the silver taped box from her lithe fingers before his other hand takes Taemin’s and spins him in the direction of the lift.  
  
They both step in and Taemin lets out a squeak of surprise.  
  
“Oh my god” Taemin whispers in awe. The elevator is practically gilded in gold. The ceiling mirrored just like the lobby but the mirror has a golden tint. The floor looks marble and the hand rails surrounding the perimeter are shined, buffed and also golden. He watches carefully as Jongin reaches across him, to press the touch panel buttons. ‘PH’ he presses swiftly before Taemin feels the lift begin to move. The machine is swift, smooth and calculated, not fast and rickety like the one in his building. He feels two strong arms wrap around his waist and his attention is once again on the male behind him. He looks up at the both of them through the mirrored ceiling and smiles as he sees and feels Jongin’s nose nuzzling the nape of his neck and across his left shoulder.  
  
Ping.  
Taemin hears the noise before being greeted by the grinding sound of the doors as they open. It seems no matter how expensive a lift is, they will always carry that same grating noise. Jongin moves out first, and Taemin follows him straight ahead to the large brown door. He hears a series of beeps before a loud clunk as the locking mechanism releases. Then before he can even think, Jongin takes his hand and pulls him inside.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
Taemin would love to tell you what the inside of Jongin’s apartment is like, however, he only recalls a hallway, the glimpse of a bathroom and the feeling of the soft bed hitting his back.  
  
Their lips are mashed together, insistent and pressing. A frenzy is bubbling its way through Taemin’s veins, lighting every single nerve ending on fire like a time bomb ready to blow. Jongin isn’t much better, his senses are whirling with everything that is Taemin. He has missed this, missed the older male beneath him. The feel of his soft skin, the sight of his alabaster coating and how it glows under the spotlights of his bedroom. If Jongin is being honest with himself though, Taemin can glow ethereal and bright even in the darkest of rooms.  
  
Taemin is gasping, panting and trying to breath in the moist air that surrounds them. He takes a fleeting moment to realise that for once, the air is not stagnant and dry as it enters his lungs. It is humid and warm, something comforting that makes him want to use up all of the air in the room in a fear that it might change once again. That fear. He realises that it still lies within him, even though he knows Jongin’s secret. The one syllable of the single word still echoes in his mind ‘yes.’ The word that left plump, rose coloured lips in the courtyard that night, had left Taemin with promises of exploration, of no more secrets. Yet, that fear is still there and he isn’t sure how to expel it.  
  
He is soon distracted again though as he feels himself sinking into the sea of caramel above him. He feels skin on skin and not too long after, the familiar stretch that is some kind of comfort to his erratic heart. Jongin has slowed now, his fingers doing well to decrease the tension in his muscles, slowly flexing and stretching as they move deeper within him.  
  
“Ah…J-jongin” A breathy whimper leaves his lips without his permission but he doesn’t care anyway.  
  
He feels the way the lights in the room seem to dim in his vision, the sheets beneath his body are softer than silk. The wine coloured walls of the room bleed into his pupils, leaving with them their reddened reflection, as lust takes over his gaze. That’s when it hits him, this is Jongin’s room, his apartment, his bed, his breathing… his life. The anxiety leaves him as warm, honey hands soothe all of the muscles in his body. From head to toe. He feels empty from the loss of those fingers and yet so full from the look of love and admiration in the burning orbs of the younger man. He feels the words, the feelings, as firm hands glide across his body. ‘I won’t leave you again’ ‘I won’t vanish’ they are saying and Taemin can hear them loudly in his ears. All of the slow movements and loving caresses come to a climax when he finally feels the thick heat between his legs. He lets out a groan of relief, satisfaction, lust; when Jongin finally enters him. It is slow and deep. Like the waves crashing against the soft coastline, dragging the sand into the salty depths before rolling and pushing it back to the shore.  
  
The pressure is building, sweat slicking their bodies and Taemin can’t break his gaze away from the orbs above him. Those eyes once held a burning furnace, now they hold something else. There is still the burning passion and fiery gaze but it is offset, punctured by something softer, something delicate, something vulnerable. Jongin’s walls are falling down, crumbling around the two men on the bed as the pace increases. Taemin is gasping, moaning and gripping tightly. His grip firm but not pleading. No longer holding on for fear that he will disappear but rather they are holding tightly, speaking whispered words of ‘at last’ ‘I trust you’ ‘catch me when I fall’ and finally, oh so finally, both men moan out in unison. One lot of seed dirtying the area between them, making a sticky but satisfying mess. The other load is emptied into latex, expanding and warming, leaving a tingling sensation in its wake.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
It has been twelve minutes and 33,34,35 seconds. Taemin is counting. That’s how long they have laid here. The condom discarded in the trash and a warm cloth already cleaned them off. Twelve minutes of cuddling, lazy kissing and matching smiles. It is like looking into a mirror, for once, Taemin can see how Jongin is returning the same love, smile and joy. He isn’t running away. He isn’t casting Taemin out. He is allowing the older man into his life, bit by bit.   
  
The grandeur of the bedroom is resonating with him on another level and he can’t help but to ask,  
  
“Why have we been at skanky hotel rooms and my atrocity of a flat, when you have such an amazing bed right here?” Taemin chuckles as he shifts around in Jongin’s strong embrace. The younger male doesn’t answer for a while. When he does though, it is with an apologetic smile.  
  
“I’m sorry. I promise, from now on, I want you to know the real me. All of me.” Jongin announces as he places a chaste kiss to the older man’s temple.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
It’s in the dead of night, as sleep is about to overtake them completely that Taemin finally voices out his worries.  
  
“Is god going to take you away from me, Jongin?” he whispers, their faces mere inches from each other, their hands intertwined under the warm duvet.  
  
“No, he won’t take me away from you, not when he just brought us together.” Jongin insists and he places a small kiss upon awaiting lips.  
  
Taemin nods his head and snuggles closer. He believes Jongin, he has to. It’s the only hope he’s got.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
“Ah, that’s great to hear dad.” Taemin smiles into the receiver. His father informs him that he has gone back to work at long last and is living his life just like before the heart attack. “No. I told you, no more bacon and eggs. Yes father…yes…you can use the egg whites…no…listen, Jongin is home, I will call you later. Just eat what I have made for you in the fridge and if I find out you have been cheating I will be seriously disappointed. Okay dad, take care, I love you.” Taemin sighs as he hangs up the phone and shakes his head. Jongin had come in the door only a moment before the end of the call and said man is looking at him in question. Taemin waves his hand in dismissal “My father” he offers as explanation and Jongin nods knowingly.  
  
“So, how was work?” Jongin asks as he wraps his arms around his boyfriend, resting his head on his shoulder. Taemin turns around in his embrace so that they are face to face.  
  
“Horrible, you know what that new kid Minseok did today? I swear Jonginnie, he dropped like ten plates. I don’t care how great his coffee is, if the manager doesn’t stop putting him on clear up duty, I am going to say something.” Taemin huffs and scrunches his nose in detest.  
  
“Aww, he’s just new Tae, I’m sure he will get better.” Jongin says as he rubs his nose against Taemin’s. He is looking for a kiss and Taemin knows it, however, Jongin is taking Minseok’s side and so he pretends he doesn’t know. “I got some good news today…” Jongin mumbles, lips still far too close “…thanks for asking.” Jongin pouts and now Taemin feels a little bit bad because he forgot.  
  
“Oh I’m sorry, I forgot you had a hospital appointment today. So what’s the good news?” Taemin asks.  
  
“Well….” Jongin draws the word out longer than necessary and receives a light whack to his chest in punishment. He chuckles before continuing “…Dr Choi said that I am finally in remission and that at the moment all is clear. I only need treatment twice a year and the dosage will be much lower. If all goes well, I will be completely cancer free within a year.” Jongin beams and Taemin feels his eyes filling up with tears.  
  
“Oh my god, really? Oh my god I can’t believe it!” Taemin screeches with happiness as he wraps his arms around Jongin’s neck and pulls him in for a kiss.  
Pulling back, Jongin smirks.  
  
“I thought you would be happy, so I thought we should celebrate.” He announces and picks Taemin up by the waist and plants him down on his expensive sofa. He leans forward,  
crawling on top of the older man. “I have two tickets to your favourite show. Date night?” Jongin whispers with only a sliver of air left between them. Taemin doesn’t bother replying, instead he wraps his legs around his boyfriend’s waist and clashes their tongues together. He sighs as the black couch beneath them fades to a dull grey and he knows, it’s because Jongin outshines everything. He runs his fingers through the younger boy’s soft strands of hair and smiles widely.  
  
“I’m so glad you decided to go pink again” He breathes and feels the vibration of Jongin’s chuckle against the column of his neck, where soft rose coloured lips are mapping the ivory beneath them.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW! It’s over. I fell in love with this AU and it took on a mind of its own. It was so hard to write this last part because I had so many feelings I wanted to communicate. So many things I wanted to happen without losing the beauty of everything. I hope I did it justice. My hand is totally cramped up from this now haha. Also, sorry it took so long, it just….well…I did a lot of editing along the way.
> 
> COMMENTS WOULD BE SUPER AWESOMELY APPRECIATED [since my hand is now crippled from the nearly 7000 words] hahaha!
> 
> Have a lovely day everyone!!!
> 
> Xx L xX


End file.
